“Pull up a chair and sit on the floor”

-Martha Goodfellow

If you have never heard this saying before, you are in the same boat as six billion seven hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine other people on this planet. If you have heard this saying before you are either crazy or know Martha Goodfellow, who after saying this to a Ugandan man named Bosco, received the same “are you crazy?” stare as she did when she told twenty children that she was sixty – eight years old (people here to not live nearly that long). It is harmless faux pas like this one that has given me the power to force through a week and a half of the exact same breakfast every single day. Don’t get me wrong, Pineapple and toast with passion fruit juice is great, but I dare one of you people

to eat it for twelve days straight.

Saturday

“Tournaments are great… if you are the winner”

-Muhammad Ali

The start of the tournament brought a great deal of frantic commotion to the grounds of Fountain of Hope Junior School. All Star teams from across Bukeeka came together to participate in the biggest tournament of their lives. Cleats were tied, jerseys were adorned, measurements were made. The noisy silence of anticipation reached far above the scratch of the speakers and the scream of the megaphone. Sweat trickled down the faces of coaches, referees, and players alike as the clocked ticked closer and closer to the opening match. As my stomach achieved the weightlessness of someone cruising down a rollercoaster I turned to my fellow comrades and mouthed in slow-mo, “I’ll see you on the other side.” A cheer erupted from a crowd of two hundred children as a man announced, “HIGH SCHOOL VERSUS TEACHER GAME ON FIELD ONE.” I realized that I had forgotten about the dreaded high school vs. teacher game and I had to resist a sudden urge to run and hide. You see, I had been asked to participate in the high school vs. teacher game and I have no experience in soccer (or football as they call it here). My only hope for getting out of this game was to make sure that the teachers knew how bad I was, but it was too late for that. I just had to hope. Luckily, the teachers here are intelligent, and realized that employing the skills of inexperienced and rule-ignorant American was not their best bet. I landed the job of referee and that was almost as bad as actually playing. I had no idea what I was doing and ran around waving a yellow flag like I was announcing the arrival of the Roman army. After a brief scolding from the head referee I pulled myself together and just stood around doing nothing. The moral of that story, if someone asks you to try something you have never done or that is outside of your comfort zone, don’t do it.

Todd played on the teachers team, but despite their best efforts, the teachers lost horribly. I cannot stress enough how badly the teachers lost. I would tell you the score of the game, but even that would not encompass the utter disgrace that teacher’s team brought to the entire teaching staff. It was like a basketball game between the L.A. Lakers and my little sister’s soccer team. It was just bad. Ever seen a burn victim?

As the real games began, it became clear that Fountain of Hope had a leg up on the other teams. The scores for the girl’s netball games ranged from 10-3 (Fountain of Hope won) to 20-1 (Fountain of Hope won). I can tell you first hand that the girls are good at netball because I dressed up in a uniform and scrimmaged with them. I scored all of our goals, but it turned out that my lay ins should not have counted because you are not supposed to jump when you shoot the ball. The boys did not win as easily, but by the end of the day, they had clenched the number one seed for Sunday’s finals. Suddenly, towards the ends of the day, rumors about two teams hiring players to be on their football team started flowing. At first it was no more than a trickle, but soon enough we had the Niagara Falls pouring outside of our scantily clad office. We had to investigate, but the myriad of leads posed a problem, where to begin. Locked and loaded, I charged blindly in every which way striking at everything that walked on two legs (metaphorically of course). In the end my strenuous efforts were in vain, for Robert Sityo used his superior intellect to best our opponents. A quick trip to the opposing schools’ records showed that they were in fact hiring players and we knew the only solution to this problem was capital punishment.

Sunday

“Losers are the ones who have trouble walking away”

- Theodore Roosevelt

An early breakfast of (you guessed it) toast, pineapple, and passion fruit juice fueled us up for the long day ahead. Little did we know, the turtle we stared at was a bear, sleeping in his den, hungry for the taste of meat… human meat. We arrived at the school to witness a strike. The

cheaters who were disqualified were running drills on the field and refused to leave. This did not sit well with me or the rest of the staff, but we held ourselves together and walked out onto the field in an attempt to come to a consensus. We tried psychology, reverse psychology, reverse reverse psychology, and a little bit o’ black mail, but the men in green were not swayed. They marched their troops across the field like Adolf himself and forced these kids to do things that can only be described as child abuse. Cops were then called, guns (AK-47s, seriously) were drawn and the men and women and even children in green were given the “VIP treatment”. In the end the F.O.H. netball team won the championship 24-3 and the boys lost the championship in a shootout. I throughout this day amassed a posse of about 30 children. I taught Helen how to thumb and arm wrestle, I taught Job, Helen, and Miriam how to play tag and hide and go seek, I taught Helen how to play rock, paper scissors, and I taught Helen and Miriam how to fist fight. Overall, a successful day.

Monday

“Family should come first”

-Brittany Spears

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After John and Miles had left for their home stay, Helen, Rita, Mary, Janette, and Charles came over to the house to receive their suitcases of gifts. I had the chance to watch Helen prank call some guy which was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time (Helen is around 4 or 5 years old by the way). We played netball and met my new sister Maleb who is a doll and

according to Sarah, “Has the same hair as you.” They all had a good time as did everyone except Miles who was somewhere in the bush of Bukeeka forcing gruel down his gullet.

In other news:

My hair has grown from a mop to a main

Some guy asked Miles if I was his daughter

I am in charge when John leaves on Friday

Live from Uganda, Caleb

Photos: Caleb playing netball (in a skirt), Muslim team checking in for netball, ice cream man on a motorcycle, Fountain of Hope girls (black uniforms) playing netball, Fountain of Hope boys soccer team preparing for Championship game, the blocked shot that lost the game for Fountain, the celebration begins for all, Bukeeka Muslim school accepts 3rd place soccer trophy and 100,000 shillings.